Dear blog and followers of this blog,
I am sorry I have neglected you. I will work on posting what has been going on since we last sat down together...

There are times that we are honest with ourselves and others for the pure purpose of being honest about our feelings. There are other times when we are honest because we are angry and want the honesty to hurt others. Control comes up in my life over and over again. However, you cannot control your life; you can only live your life. You can live your life any way you want in that you can choose your feelings about what is going on around you and who you surround yourself with. It is hard to give up control and live life to the fullest but life is good whether you are happy or not. Sometimes I know I get consumed with the pursuit of happiness and miss the fact that happiness is being surrounded by people who love and care about you. You cannot choose how people love you but you can choose to feel the love they give. Take time to feel the love. “Right now is a wonderful time in your life if you choose to see it that way”—is anything a mistake or are they just lessons? Life is a sum total of lessons and experiences that make us who we are. Life is a learning process-some lessons are more painful than others but that is just the way it is. All good experiences would not make us who we are today.

Happy Mardi Gras!

Making Valentines

Alright! Here goes our attempt at making homemade valentines for our favorite people! Documented with pictures...

Lyla is ready to go! We cut some hearts out...She was a BIG help!



Okay, I'm ready to put it all together! I'll arrange the hearts like I want them...Mommy had to glue them because I kept trying to eat the glue and tore a heart in the process. Daddy will understand.


Lauryn's valentine for her dad: Valentine's day is his birthday too...

Lyla V

Caught red-handed!




I missed her reading her book and turning the pages but here is an updated photo of her :) Notice the lovely bruise on her forehead from running into the table last week...

A Father's Love

When I was pregnant with Lyla, I worried that I could not love each of the girls equally and as much as I loved Lauryn. For 13 years, I did everything with Lauryn. Most of the time, it was just her and her mommy. I was at every sporting event and school function. I remember every scar, sickness, and crazy thing that child did as she was growing up. I was her coach through most of softball and volleyball.I worried that I would lose the ability to do that and be there for Lyla and give her the opportunities Lauryn has/had been given.

How do you love your children equally, 100% of the time? I could probably be described as a type A personality. I feel like giving 100%, 100% of the time is the way I should do things. This is one of the anomalies I cannot figure out. And to throw in loving a man on top of loving two children. I mean how is that possible? Does that mean each person: Lauryn, Lyla, and him get 33.3% all the time? Does that mean sometimes one person gets 100% and the other two get nothing? How do you balance the love? The time? And how do you not feel guilty when you are giving 100% to just one of those people? I mean how do the Duggars do it? They have 19 children to love and we all know they are loving each other because they have the 19 children.

How do you balance? What is the correct solution or equation of a happy life, a happy relationship, and happy children? Does it exist? Or is it an ever changing equation depending on the day? Why wasn't that equation covered in Math? That is the problem I would love to have the solution to!

Next question, since I have always struggled with the above equation, I am raising or at least doing the majority of daily parenting alone. Some would argue that is not true because I have mom as a support. And believe you me, I appreciate that very much. But every night, I am the one who helps with the 8th grade homework (BTW they are still not addressing the math equation/problem I am looking for), who coaches volleyball, who schedules all trips, who schedules all orthodontist appts, doctor appts, dentist appts, etc. I am the one who stays up all night when the girls aren't feeling well. Don't get me wrong I LOVE being able to do all that and I feel like as their mom that is my job. I just wish someone (a partner, a man) wanted to share all that with me. Someone, who wanted to support ME (emotionally)and be involved with the girls...both girls. Someone who I can say, I'm tired and they say I'll take care of everything tonight. A man who can let me fall apart when I feel broken. That however is not the real question. The real question is: How do you involve people in the lives of your children without being involved with them? How do you not hold grudges? How do you heal and allow people to be involved with just you or just your child? Is it possible to have a relationship with someone who is not involved with your children--will that ever work? It hasn't so far...

I have spoke to so many people who are either divorced or not with the other parent involved in their child's life. Too many say they cannot be around the father/mother of their child because it's too hard or it hurts them. Others say that the father/mother will not let them see their child or the mother/father make it very difficult because of things that happened in their relationship. I can see how that happens but I do not see how you explain to a child why their mommy/daddy isn't around. I do not see how you can justify not being involved with you children. I am not an angel however i am not that far from being an angel either (kidding). I strive to involve the girls' fathers in their lives. I want them there for the girls but i struggle because they cannot be there daily because I am there. Me being there daily and for everything is something I do not want to change either.

I was very fortunate to grow up with both parents. My mother worked and attended sporting and school related activities. She was a good mom. She protected me and provided me with experiences and a life that she never had. I appreciate her hard work...NOW. I had a father who was very involved and did things that some people would view as the mother's job. He took me to school every day, packed my lunch, coached my sports, attended all events, etc. Dad worked for the school system. Therefore, he was home with me for the summers up until I started junior high. Dad opened the driving school in Indy and things slowly started to change. He was not available to be at 100% of all my events. 100% is what I had come to expect and know as love. When that changed, I changed. Since dad couldn't give 100%, mom stepped in and was there for everything dad couldn't be. It still was not my dad...my man. (The Electra complex at work I suppose)That is when finding a man to give 100% became a goal. Sad thing is, I am still trying to find a man to give 100% like what I knew when I was little. I sometimes wonder if dad's love set me up for failure in relationships...is that kind of love unrealistic to find in someone who is not your father?

I know how important the role of a father is in a little girl's life is....I know that role is still important when you think you are an adult. It is funny how with time our minds grow up yet our emotions stay child like.

The awesomeness of being someone's mommy!

There are a lot of choices or situations I have put myself in that looking back I might have done differently but having the girls is a decision I will never regret. Each daughter and each situation has taught me so much and made me appreciate things that otherwise I may have overlooked.

When Lauryn was Lyla's age so much was going in life: senior year of high school, dad getting cancer and passing away, starting college, etc. I feel like I did a good job as her mommy but now that I am older and have less other responsibilities I sometimes wonder if she got gypped. I wonder if I fully appreciated the awesomeness of being a mommy.

Yesterday when I came home, like most days, a little girl came up four stairs quickly and walked/ran to her mommy's legs. I am very diligent about washing my hands so before I picked her up I washed my hands in the kitchen sink and picked up the little bundle of excitement. It feels good to have someone love you so much that they cannot wait for you to hold them in your arms and love them back. Lors came following after Lyla to give me a hug. Yes, my teenager still loves hugs and kisses. As Lauryn tries to hug me, Lyla always pushes her out of the way...we laugh because Lyla like Lauryn is very protective of her mommy. LOVE IT!!!

Enough about me and my feelings, this is about the girls right...

Let me start with Lauryn. Lauryn turned 13 in January. She is attending CRJHS, playing volleyball (with an awesome coach-just kidding) and doing well in school. She was invited this summer to go as a student ambassador to Australia but we decided she was still a little young to be going that far away-maybe next year. In March, for Spring Break, she is planning on going on vacation with her favorite "other" family, the Bennetts. We will see how she does with that adventure first. It will be the first time she has been away from any family. She may enjoy it ;).

Onto Lyla. Lyla turned 16 months old Saturday but if you adjust for her prematurity she is a little over a year old. She is walking, babbling and going up/down stairs. Last night after my FREEZING cold shower (water heater officially went out yesterday), where was Lyla? Sitting in the shower playing in the water left over...this is after she just had a bath (that was still warm water). Lyla is a girl after my own heart. Lauryn even said, "Mom, you finally got your wish and you have a daughter who loves to be clean just as much as you do!" Funny but true. Lyla loves bath time. If it is quiet in the house and Lyla is missing, 9 times out of 10 she is in the bathroom with her toothbrush. She is just very conscientious about her hygiene. That is besides her feet. For being as little as she is, the child could clear a room with either her feet or her bottom. She definitely did not get that from her momma. :)

Here are a couple things I have learned over the past year and/or last almost 30 years:

1) Love is not proud and it does not boast. Love does not run or hide but fear and anger make you want to! Love never fails you when you believe in it and accept it in your heart...Love protects and it always hopes. Love believes even when you don't...Love holds you in its arms and never fails but sometimes we let each other down...Love matters the most...

2) The moments that mean the most will stay with you, the good and the bad. Hold onto the good. Cherish them, know they brought you to where you are today. Forget the bad, usually fear, anger, and selfish pride are the reasons they occured and remembering and focusing on them only causes more pain.

3) The people who shared the above moments with you will also stay with you forever. I am fortunate to have girls I can talk to and be honest with how I am feeling. We have discussed how regardless of if you are happily married when you see someone who you had good memories with-you miss them or get emotional feelings when you see them again. Maybe that is "normal"...the debate is still up for discussion.

4)Children give you a reason to be better. They hold you accountable and look to you for guidance and direction on who to be. A mother's love and a father's love are different and both very much needed.

5) With that being said, losing a parent affects you, it changes you. It can make you scared to love, to be that close to someone because you never want to feel that way again. Rememeber Point 1: fear gets you NO where!

I will try to post more pictures of the girls this weekend...

So this week we officially made the one year milestone of bringing Lyla home from the NICU. It is crazy to me that we all made it through that pregnancy (well 26 weeks of it), the bed rest (4 weeks), that delivery (I cannot tell you how long that took), and the long stay in the NICU (4 months).

For those of you who may have had the pleasure of seeing miracles at work, you know that it was the most out of control time both physically and emotionally for me. In the past week, I have had the pleasure of sharing those feelings and I realized how therapeutic it was to finally get it out. You know, acknowledge and accept that I was scared, that I am not invincible and that I do not have to be in control of everything at all times. What a relief!

Even with a year under our belt and a healthy baby girl, the experience of it all has affected the very core of who I am. It still is a hard transition and although for the past year I feel like I have let go of SOME of the anger and guilt from the whole experience, I still have healing to do. (BTW: I am intelligent enough to know it was not my fault, yet with that being said, I still had consumable guilt and felt responsibility for Lyla being premature, for not giving Chris the experience of a pregnancy, delivery, healthy baby, and so on and so forth, for being away from Lauryn in the hospital, for needing mom to come home to care for Lyla while I worked, etc-I could go on but you understand). I agree that God only gives you as much as you can handle but at times I wish he had less confidence in my ability to carry it all. However, I'm blessed to have people I can unload some of the "load" on and a beautiful family/friends who support me.

Last thing to address for the day...

Why ppits.blogspot.com? (Lyla and Lauryn was not available)

Lyla's daddy calls her "Pumpkin Pie in The Sky" among others (Lyla Vic, Lil, Lilly Lillertons, Little Lil, Lil Lil, or wittle one). Lauryn likes to make fun of it and periodically teases him. But its just a thing...a thing that makes us...us.

It's like when I hear or say Lyla V...takes me back to the NICU. I can still hear Jen call her that when she was taking such good care of her.

Or kinda like how Lauryn's dad does "teddy bear" or "baby doll" or how somewhere along the past 13 years she became Lors (me), Lorna dune (Grandma Di), beaner (Grandpa Leo)-because she loved to dance (ballet) when she was little. She makes fun of it all but those special names and moments are cherished memories that make us smile and remember those special people.

A bright idea for 2010

Now that that is out of the way...Here is another bright idea for the year. I want to write a book for each of my girls. Same theme as this blog. The books will be titled "The Story of Lyla Victoria" and "The Story of Lauryn McKenzie". It seems like regardless of your age, you love hearing how you came to be. Lauryn even enjoys hearing silly stories my mom still tells about my childhood. Every time the stories are told, I swear I can visualize myself back in those situations and feel the feelings I had at the time. Who knows if I truly remember per say or if I have built an image based on a story told for almost 30 years. Regardless, that is what families are for. To share information, experience, love, and support.

According to Sigmund Freud, personality is mostly established by the age of five. He stated that early experiences play a large role in personality development and continue to influence behavior later in life. Sociology defines the family is an intimate domestic group made up of people related to one another by bonds of blood, sexual mating, or legal ties. Family has been a very resilient social unit that has survived and adapted through time. Yet, regardless of geography, there have been boisterous claims that families are in decline, and the so-called demise of the family is welcomed because it is viewed as an oppressive and bankrupt institution. So sad to see and hear...

The conjugal family refers to a family system of spouses and their dependent children. In such systems, because the social emphasis is placed primarily on the marital relationship, families are relatively independent of the wider kinship network. Consequently, divorce-rates tend to be high and therefore children unhappier. With all that said, it only makes sense to stay connected to your extended family.

I will keep you posted on how the books are coming...

The first one :)

Ah, the first post of a new adventure. I have wanted to start blogging for my family and friends to keep them updated on the girls and life itself. However, like a lot of things in the past year I have put it off and made excuses as to why I did not have time to complete one. Excuses are out the window now. If you want start sometime...Why not now?

In the age of busy and hectic life schedules, it is hard to get a phone call in or more greatly appreciated a face-to-face visit. This blog is not a substitute for either but merely a way to disseminate information to family and friends in all parts of the USA. As a mom, I feel it is my duty to keep the family informed about the going-ons in the lives of the girls and to ensure that my girls stay connected as much as possible to the family who made them possible. Here is a new attempt to do so...hope it helps :)