So this week we officially made the one year milestone of bringing Lyla home from the NICU. It is crazy to me that we all made it through that pregnancy (well 26 weeks of it), the bed rest (4 weeks), that delivery (I cannot tell you how long that took), and the long stay in the NICU (4 months).

For those of you who may have had the pleasure of seeing miracles at work, you know that it was the most out of control time both physically and emotionally for me. In the past week, I have had the pleasure of sharing those feelings and I realized how therapeutic it was to finally get it out. You know, acknowledge and accept that I was scared, that I am not invincible and that I do not have to be in control of everything at all times. What a relief!

Even with a year under our belt and a healthy baby girl, the experience of it all has affected the very core of who I am. It still is a hard transition and although for the past year I feel like I have let go of SOME of the anger and guilt from the whole experience, I still have healing to do. (BTW: I am intelligent enough to know it was not my fault, yet with that being said, I still had consumable guilt and felt responsibility for Lyla being premature, for not giving Chris the experience of a pregnancy, delivery, healthy baby, and so on and so forth, for being away from Lauryn in the hospital, for needing mom to come home to care for Lyla while I worked, etc-I could go on but you understand). I agree that God only gives you as much as you can handle but at times I wish he had less confidence in my ability to carry it all. However, I'm blessed to have people I can unload some of the "load" on and a beautiful family/friends who support me.